day #7

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

Yikes...  7 days in to this blog thing and I've been happy, skipping along, blabbing on and on about people I love and things that make me happy.  I knew sooner or later it would get real.  But this real?  I know this process isn't going to do me any good, unless I'm 100% honest.  So here I go...  these are in no particular order.

ABANDONMENT:  This has been a fear of mine for as long as I can remember.  I deal with it much better than I used to, thanks to great counseling over the years.  I don't notice it so much now, so maybe I am healing from it.  But for the longest time I feared people just walking out of my life.

REJCTION:  Who doesn't fear rejection?  Whether it's something big like a relationship, or something smaller like a task at work, rejection still hurts.  You question yourself, replay it over and over in your head, hear those tiny voices telling you why you're not good enough. 

SUCCESS:  I know, it sounds ridiculous.  I do actually fear being fiercely successful.  I fear my potential.  Part of me silently thinks if I wanted to, I could do anything at all.  I'm smart, and very capable.  And that scares the crap out of me.  Why?  Because I fear failure.  And I have this twisted belief that the greater the success, the higher up I climb, the farther I'll fall. 

LONLINESS:  Let me clarify.  I LOVE my alone time.  I will ALWAYS love my alone time.  I don't mind feeling lonely every now and then.  But I fear being alone for the rest of my life.  I know it's silly, but it's a very real fear to me.  I'm afraid I will never fully get over my commitment issues, to the point where I can settle down and be happy.  I feel like I sabatoge situations so I don't have to commit.  The few times I have committed, or been willing to commit to something big, I've been burned one way or another.  And I'm afraid I'll never fully trust in myself to choose whats best and commit to it.

THE DARK:  yeah I'm not kidding.  I like it to be really dark when I go to sleep, but I won't turn off my bedside lamp until I'm literally struggling to stay awake.  I've always hated shadows, so I avoid darkness like that when I can. 

BAD GUYS:  Don't know how else to put it... I have a very real fear of men that are out to hurt or rape women.  I'm OVERLY aware of my surroundings every single time I am in public (literally, eating lunch, or going to walmart, or anything).  First thing I do when I walk in somewhere I look for exits. 

There are more, but I think that's enough for now.  =)